Finding my way back to me

Posted on August 1, 2020 by admin

Armed with hand soap and sanitiser, this week we packed up the van and have tentatively returned to life on the road. Not sure how long it will last, but we’ll know when we know I guess. 🤷‍♀️

There’s always an amount of trepidation when I hook up the van and head off. After not towing the van for a period of time I always feel a bit anxious, especially when I’m heading straight for the Great Dividing Range, and not taking the easiest route at that!

And after making it up the range to Dorrigo, I was pretty sure I needed to offload some weight before I burn out my clutch. My Dad’s given me stern warnings on doing this so I’d hate for him to be able to say “I told you so!” So bye bye to lots of books. 😢 (e-books only from now on).

But I also need to offload some emotional weight…it doesn’t take long before the feelings of peace, joy and direction return when I hit the road and get back out into nature. As I’m sure others may relate, this year’s not been good to my mental health. And more recently I’ve sunk a bit low. I’ve copped a fair bit of criticism and judgement that has pulled the rug out from under me. So I’m looking forward to spending time in nature and getting my mojo back, doing some self care, and enjoying my son again, as he is, without a constant critical eye.

People often say to me, “I don’t know why you let what people say about you affect you”. But when constant criticism and abuse has been your life experience, and your existence has never been affirmed, it’s hard not to believe the things that are said about you. I’m generally left believing that is who I actually am and I just don’t see it. I get knocked for being a dreamer, but then if I don’t follow my heart I sink into a state of depression, with a feeling of deep emptiness which leaves me confused about what is right for me. And seriously, shouldn’t it just be ‘others just don’t have the right to criticize and judge?’

I’ve been made feel inadequate, a failure, a drain on society, stupid, a poor parent, weird, lazy…I’m all the things!! 😂 Other than the fact that none of those things are true about me, my value is not determined by how much money I add to the economy, the size of my home, or the amount of wealth and possessions I accumulate. I add value in ways that are meaningful to communities, and individuals…most of who have walked more difficult paths in life, and appreciate a helping hand (people I can often relate to). I also don’t participate in areas of welfare that the majority of others do (public or private education, subsidised child care, subsidised public transport and school bus travel etc etc). I will no longer justifying my life to anybody, defend myself, or apologise for not fitting in; it’s only holding me back from reaching my full potential. I’ve lived through enough to understand joy comes from simplicity; simple giving gestures, simple living, simple practices, simply loving…and I’ll add, following your heart, and distancing yourself from naysayers. 💕

Luckily over the years I’ve developed pretty solid coping strategies, and I know it only takes time, a reset, some time to self reflect, to build myself back up and get back to normal.

So here I am going back to doing MY thing, finding MY joy, and MY place in the world, following the pull of MY heart. And I’m going to say a big peaceful and respectful F-YOU to anybody who dares to tell me I can’t. How sad would it be if I reached the end of my life and all I could say was, “well, I did what others wanted and expected for my life”.

I’ll leave you with some pics of our first few days of being back on the road. BRING ON THE BLISS!! ☮☮☮